At what point do you stop being you?

by kangcuzzi

Here’s a random – and admittedly philosophical – post I shall write at 12:28AM because I CAN.

Recently I’ve been asking myself the question: at what point do you stop being you?

Now before you whisk me off into some asylum for believing in possession or whatnot please do let me explain. It’s something I’ve been fretting over quite a lot lately. 

In my mind, I perceive myself as a certain type of person. I will not disclose this information because it is, well, quite personal, but let’s say I consider myself as someone who has the characteristics of Person A. 

Now I’m used to being like Person A. I live everyday believing I have the traits of Person A. It’s kind of like a yardstick to measure my successes, my failures. In light of who I am as a person, the extent of my successes/failures/attempts/achievements vary. 

There are some days when I achieve a heck load of things and I am happy because I am in line with who I believe I am. But then there are other days, and these days I feel horrible because either I don’t live up to this Person A or because all my attempts just seem like failures to me.

And then I begin to wonder whether my old self is gone and whether I’m beginning to embrace a new Person, say Person B. And now this Person B has characteristics I myself find unfavorable. Person B (what I don’t want to be), in essence, is the polar opposite of Person A (what I want to be). And when I start wondering whether I am becoming Person B, I feel dejected, hurt, dispirited, all kinds of negative things that get me all wound up and upset. 

This is when I always wonder to myself: at this point, am I truly now Person B or am I still Person A, yet just having a bad day? And I like to think it’s the latter because I am – I confess – an overachiever. I am a perfectionist, and let me tell you now that I absolutely hate it. 

Going back to the whole Person A/Person B concept. Do you see how this links back to the question At what point do you stop being you? now? Basically, at what point do you stray away from who you really are and become someone new entirely, not temporarily but permanently? Someone who you have always deemed to have unfavorable qualities?

This is my biggest fear. This is why I hate bad days. This is why I am up at 12:36AM writing this post feeling simply petrified because I don’t know. I don’t know whether I’m still my Person A or Person B. Am I just having a bad day or have I become someone else? I don’t know. I DON’T KNOW. It messes with my head and I can’t think and I feel bad and gah.

Today in Maths class a guy on my table asked me if my brain would ever explode because of all the thoughts that go through it. Well, my brain doesn’t necessarily explode but sometimes I do in fact find myself thinking all sorts of really abstract concepts even I find overwhelming. But I like it, because it proves something to me, something to do with the traits of Person A.

I think I should probably head off to bed now. There’s a TEDx rehearsal going on tomorrow after school (I haven’t told you yet, but I’m in it and I’m terribly excited!) and I hope that goes well, because it’ll be a chance to embrace my Person A. 

Good night.

*Side note: My references to Person A and Person B are NOT real people. They are just code names given to a specific TYPE of person, not A person. Thanks.